The Gift of Presence

This past week, our group has discussed some leadership topics we all have seen or experienced during our stay in South Africa.  One of the topics that stuck with me personally was presence.  Our instructor had our entire group go and walk around either inside or outside, and literally just think about being present.  What he meant by this was to think about what you see, hear, listen, taste, and feel; basically he wanted us to use all our five senses.  I found it extremely difficult to focus on being present when I had so many things running through my head.  I have noticed that whenever I have time to reflect or relax, I end up finding something I could be doing instead.  I also know that I am a “people person,” and would rather surround myself with people, than take time out for myself to reflect alone.  I think all of these qualities relate to the fact that I don’t like being vulnerable.  When I had time to reflect this week, I found ways to stay busy so I wouldn’t have to think about my feelings. When I surround myself with other people, it automatically allows me to forget about the difficult feelings I may be dealing with, and then I can move on.  Let’s face it; I have to deal with my feelings at some point right?  As I continued to focus on being present during our class activity, I finally was able to let everything go and relax.  I noticed the slight breeze outside and just sat peacefully.  My head was completely cleared from any thoughts and emotions I had been thinking earlier that day, it felt refreshing.  After we all discussed our experiences with this activity, we talked about how “presence” was used during our experience in Gugulethu.  Looking back now, I know I was not fully present.  In fact, I think I was more occupied by how I was feeling and how others were feeling during the week.  I was so concerned about my own personal well being, that I overlooked a lot of the stories and experiences we had last week.  I am a little disappointed in myself and somewhat frustrated that I couldn’t focus for an entire hour to listen to a woman tell her story about how she and her son have been living with HIV.  As I stood in her damp and small bedroom, I was thinking about how hungry I was, and how bad the room smelt.  Looking back, it makes me feel really selfish for the fact that she welcomed us into her home to listen to her story, and all I could think about was food.  People are literally fighting for food every day in South Africa, and I have no problem getting three or four meals a day. 

            I think being aware of these thoughts has definitely shown me how much I have grown over the course of just three weeks.  One tool that I took away from our group discussion was to focus on the “right now” aspect of life, instead of planning ahead.  I tend to think about how much I have to get done, instead of focusing on the situation that is at hand.  I can only take on so much, and everything always get’s done eventually.  Another lesson I learned from our discussion is that being present doesn’t involve a whole lot.  As quoted from my instructor, “To be present, all you have to do is give yourself.  You don’t have to bring a skill or an idea, but just yourself.”  The fact that I was simply standing in this woman’s bedroom was enough to show her that I was present.  In the larger scheme of things, being present for someone can go a long way and can also make an impact on a larger group of people. 

Thanks for reading:) Much love 

The Big Picture

It is my last week in Cape Town, South Africa, and I seriously cannot believe how fast this trip has gone.  Our last week here is somewhat more laid back and there is a lot more free time to fill in with fun things I want to do, like shark diving!  I may or may not get in the water, but I still think it will be an awesome experience to see sharks swim up right by the boat.  Yesterday, our group took a ferryboat to Robben Island.  For those of you who don’t know what Robben Island is, it is an Island that was used for imprisonment in the mid 1600’s.  In the 19^th Century, the apartheid government used it as a prison for criminals and political leaders, like Nelson Mandela.  It was later turned into a hospital for mentally ill women, and the last prisoner was released in 1991.  The Island is now used as a historical monument, where people can take tours around the island and walk through the prison.  I think my favorite part of the tour was when we had the chance to see where the prisoners, like Nelson Mandela, were forced to work during the day.  They worked in what was called, “The Limestone Quarry,” chipping away at big pieces of limestone, which then was used to make most of the roads on the island.  The tour guide told us that this was significant place because most of the prisoners at this time were those like Nelson Mandela, who were imprisoned for their political views.  This place then was used as a political space where all the prisoners would discuss their views, which eventually worked to their advantage as they negotiated their release.  I just think that is incredible :)

            On a completely different note, I have been thinking a lot about how I can apply the information I have learned and experienced into my daily life.  I have learned a lot about myself, and if anything this trip has helped me to put things in perspective.  When I get home I really want to focus on building those relationships that are most important to me.  In Gugulethu, you can tell that the people in the community value taking time out of their day to spend with their loved ones.  I too value my relationships with my family and friends however; I now feel more than ever, that relationships need to be mutually beneficial.  I look forward to going back home and spending quality time with the people I love :)

Life in the Township, Gugulethu:)

This week was filled with a wide range of experiences and emotions.  I don’t really know how to express my feelings about some of the things I encountered this week, but I will do my best.  I came into this week feeling anxious and scared about staying in the townships because of all the preconceived perceptions we all had coming into this experience.  After an extremely uplifting church service at the JL Zwane community center in Gugulethu, I felt relieved and ready to start my week with my host family.  The church service was outstanding.  I couldn’t understand most of it, due to the fact that the people in Gugulethu speak primarily Xhosa, but I could tell that a lot of people in the community valued this place for worship.  I think they also value coming together every Sunday, which has allowed them to form a strong sense of community within the township.  It amazed me how musically talented everyone was, and how much fun everyone had during the service.  This really made me think about my own church service back at home.  I have yet to find a church that is as welcoming and uplifting as the one I experienced this past week.  At home, I personally feel like I need to go to church, or it’s the right thing to do.  These people enjoy coming to church every Sunday and they honestly could sing worship songs all day long.  I admire the lifestyle that these people have created for themselves, and I hope I can incorporate this into my own life when I get home.  Looking back now at the church experience in Gugulethu, I find it incredibly moving that these people have so much hope and still praise God for the things they have been given in their life.  At first, my first reaction to this was, why in the world would they praise God for their life?  This may come out as really harsh, but they literally have nothing, or at least I thought.  Their houses are about the size of a small apartment, and some are even smaller.  The home I stayed in was extremely nice, which I was not expecting at all.  There were three small bedrooms, a bathroom, a living room, and a small kitchen.  I was thankful for the fact that I was placed in a comfortable home and I was really happy to have a shower.  You all are probably wondering why the shower is so significant.  Well, out of all of my group members on this trip, my host family was the only one to have a shower in their home.  Running water, and electricity is a high demand in the townships.  In fact, people steal each other’s electricity quite frequently and a lot of people have been killed as a result. 

            On top of electricity and running water, food is also in high demand.  Needless to say, a lot of people in the townships go hungry every single day.  On Tuesday, our group had the opportunity to put together 250 food parcels to distribute to the selected families by the church.  This was probably the most difficult experience of my entire week, but also an incredible learning experience.  As I mentioned in my other blog, I learned to be more mindful and to let go of my personal expectations for the experiences we had during the week.  One specific experience where I let all my expectations go was when our group observed how hospice care works in the townships.  I really had no idea what to expect, which allowed me to let go of everything and take in the experience at hand.  Our group visited a 33-year-old man who has HIV and has been on bed rest since 2007.  Because of the fact that he has been on bed rest for the past couple of years he lost all of his mobility in the lower half of his body, and has gotten extremely bad bed sores.  When we arrived to this man’s home, the hospice nurses entered this tiny room that was located to the side of a small shack, and began to change the dressings on the multiple bedsores he had on his body.  We were told to peak our heads inside the room and I don’t regret looking inside, however it was incredibly depressing.  I couldn’t even see the man’s face, but I saw his skinny body lying on a small bed in his small room, with his entire knee exposed.  The sad part was the fact that this man hadn’t had his dressings changed for a while, and the nurses clearly did not have the supplies they needed to help him.  On top of that, the nurses did not even have enough supplies to provide for the family members that stayed in the shack, so they could help him when the nurses were not there to assist him.  As I stood in the shack watching this entire process take place, I noticed that the mother of the man was sitting in the corner of the shack crying.  She had just arrived to Gugulethu a couple of days before we had arrived, and did not realize that her son was in such bad conditions.  One of the hospice nurses also informed us that the family asked if they could receive a food parcel because they did not have any food for the night, and no money to buy food.  I about lost it at this point, and decided to ask my instructor if it was okay to give the family some money.  He said that it was okay, and my entire group ended up giving some money to the family. 

            Based on everything that I saw and experienced last week, I am feeling somewhat hopeless and confused as to what I am supposed to do next.  One of my passions is to help others, and it was extremely difficult last week for me to sit back and see people literally fighting their way through life to stay alive.  I want to help them and I have been feeling really discouraged because I know I can do more.  Although I am feeling somewhat hopeless, I do know that I am learning a lot about myself, and the perspectives of others.  When I leave South Africa, I want to be able to incorporate what I have learned into my daily life, and actually do something that will make a difference in other people’s lives. 

Stay Posted:)  Thanks for reading!

"To Give or Not To Give" (Food Parcel Distribution)

 Truth be told, I am feeling overwhelmed in regards to everything that has happened this past week.  This past weekend has definitely allowed me to process my thoughts about what I have been exposed to in the townships, however I am still trying to figure out what I am supposed to do with all of these overwhelming feelings.  During Tuesday’s distribution process, I felt productive and excited, as I knew 250 families would be provided with food that day.  I also felt extremely positive about the contributions I had raised to supply these food parcels that day.  After a long morning of unloading and stacking the different food packages into rows for the families to pick up, the pastor of the church began to distribute the food parcels to the assigned families.  The food parcels are assigned to those people in the community that “qualify” as the most needy.  So, the first 250 people who were “qualified” enough for the food parcel got to take one home to their family.  The depressing thing is that everyone should get a food parcel, but there is just not enough support to help out every family in need.  A food parcel consisted of a bag of maze, flour, three bags of beans, sugar, chicken, a bottle of cooking oil, rice, and samp.  All of these things are pretty basic, but it provides a family of seven or more with food for about a month.  When the distribution began, I started to feel really irritated by the entire process.  I didn’t like the fact that there were only 250 parcels to distribute, and there were more than 250 people waiting at the church in hopes of maybe getting one.  Bottom line, I didn’t like that there wasn’t enough food to feed those in need. 

            On a different note, I felt like the entire distribution process had been performed over and over again, like it was a routine and everyone was used to getting their name picked for a food parcel.  In fact, there were multiple times when I helped a family member carry their parcel outside of the church and got no response from them. I didn’t even get a thank you, or a facial expression, assuring me that that I had helped them out.  Then there were some people that smiled with great joy and expressed a thank you to me after I carried out their small distribution of food.  I wondered why I wasn’t getting a consistent reaction as I carried their food outside and decided to step outside and reflect on my thoughts about everything that was taking place around me.  I came to the conclusion that I was making this experience all about me.  Perhaps the reason why some of the people failed to thank me, or to give me at least a smile, was because they were embarrassed.  Maybe they felt uncomfortable having 16 Americans assisting them with their food, and felt as though they had failed to provide for their own family.  Another possible reason could have been the fact that some of the people don’t speak English, or maybe their cultural norms differ from those in the U.S, more specifically Minnesota.   Growing up in a state that is known for being “overly nice,” I guess I expected that I would receive a greater amount of gratitude for the work I was doing for these people.  On top of that, I guess I was expecting to get to know the people receiving the food parcels.  One of our assigned challenges for the day was to find out a story about someone who was receiving a food parcel.  How was I supposed to gain any information about these people when they literally would just take their food and leave?  I wanted to know their names, and where they came from.  Most of all, I wanted to know why they were on the list to receive a food parcel.  My questions were left unanswered and I feel as though my expectations were not met.  Looking back now as I have had some time to process my feelings, I realize why we have been told so many times to come into every experience, specifically on this trip, with no expectations.  Although I felt let down, it wasn’t about me.  This relates to “coming in right.”  I am here to listen, and learn from the experiences and stories I hear on this trip.  Regardless of how overwhelmed I frustrated I felt that day, I need to remember that I am here to see what it is like to walk in someone else’s shoes.  I still have a lot to process and really don’t know how I can use what I learned last week for the greater good.  However, what I do know is that I am incredibly blessed with a beautiful home, wonderful friends and a great family, a loving boyfriend, countless resources and opportunities, and the talents God has given me.     

Thanks for reading.  I appreciate all of your love and support:)